


Hetalia Except It’s A Groupchat

by orphan_account



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Swearing, Unexpected friendships, aka prussia and romano are crackhead buddies, chatfic, china fucking hates japans guts, finland and the nordics are mentioned, idk what else to tag lmao, lithuania is also mentioned, poland appears for exactly one line
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:47:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21687826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: America comes up with the amazing idea to make a group chat with some other nations and it’s all downhill from there. Updating when I think of something funny or when I have no motivation for anything else.
Relationships: China/Russia (Hetalia), Germany/North Italy (Hetalia)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 73





	1. Bullying Russia Hour

**Author's Note:**

> you’ve accepted your fate. welcome to the clusterfuck

[America] created a chat with [England], [Germany], [Italy] and 11 others

[America] named the chat “last one to talk is a fucking moron”

America: GET ONLINE BEFORE I @ YOU ALL

America: STOP BEING BUSY

America: DUDES?!?????? WAKE TF YOU EUROPEANS

England: What is this?

America: i made a super cool text group chat so we can always talk even if its not a world meeting

England: Everyone is probably asleep.

America: is that stopping me

England: It seems it isn’t.

Italy: Hi everyone!

Romano: its all so painfully real

Prussia: its all so painfully real

England: Now look what you’ve done, you moron! Everyone is going to flood in because you have no respect for timezones.

America: lmao

Germany: What is the meaning of this?

Italy: Hi Germany!

Germany: Hello. That does not answer my question. Who is responsible for such a disrespectful chat name?

England: It was America.

Germany: Of course it was. However, with a little reading back, I do agree. With the new age of technology, a group chat would be a quick and easy way to communicate with one another while staying respectfully in our own borders.

Prussia: i cant read can someone translate

Germany: Shut up.

Prussia: this is harassment

China: Hello?????1?? 

Japan: Hello.

France: Why hello ;)

America: NEVER DO THAT AGAIN

China: ???????????

America: no its the weird winky face france put

America: france i think u meant to put tht in englands private messages

England: Be quiet, you wanker.

Romano: wait who tf hasnt talked yet we need to find our moron

America: both canada and russia havent said anything

France: I actually have no reason to be privately messaging England he’s right here

France sent image “him.jpg”

England: Unsend tgat right nowjwhshshhwsyyeydyeeddrrr

Prussia: thats kind of scandalous ngl

Germany: The only thing scandalous is the fact that you’re older than me.

Prussia: why do you keep bullying me im awesome youre jealous arent u

Italy: Is anybody worried about what happened to England?

China: No

Canada: Sorry I’m late guys there’s a really heated hockey match on right now I can’t miss it

America: whos winning

Canada: Us

Romano: MORE IMPORTANTLY WE FOUND OUR MORON

Japan sent image “pochieatingbreakfast.jpg”

Romano: ITS RUSSIA @Russia COME HERE YOU ARE THE MORON

Romano: wait doggy

China: Pochi! Tell him I say hi

Germany: So cute. Pet him for me please.

Prussia: aw look at my baby brother getting all soft for a dog boye

Germany: Type correctly. And no.

Germany: I know where you live.

Prussia: everyone does

America: russia everyone can see u reading the messages stop pussying out dude

England: France tried to do something. My apologies.

England: I think he might be actually trying to sleep. It’s later for him than for everyone else right?

Germany: It’s almost midnight here, so if I’m correct, it is almost two in the morning for Russia.

Prussia: wait wtf he try to do england you’re forgetting whos in this chat

England: He took my phone so I couldn’t make him unsend the message.

Prussia: do u think i believe that

England: You should.

France: England is telling the truth mon ami ;)

Prussia: STOP

America: who tf sleeps at two in the morning

China: A normal person

Canada: Can I ask what time it is for everyone? If its late for everyone I can try to get everyone to stop talking

France: It’s almost midnight for me and Angleterre here! Hes at my house like I said

Germany: Same here

Italy: Me too!

Romano: same

Prussia: same here lmao

Japan: It is almost 8 in the morning.

China: Almost 7 in the morning

America: its 6pm for me

Canada: same

America: WHY IS IT SO LATE FOR RUSSIA AND RUSSIA ONLY

Romano: hes special

Germany: It is because he has several timezones in his house.

America: bruh moment

America: and its so early for me, canada, japan, and china

America: and then its all the same for you guys this isnt fair

Japan: I suppose life just can’t all be fair.

Romano: @Prussia ITS ALL SO PAINFULLY REAL

Prussia: omfg i thought you said fucking panini

[Japan logged off.]

Romano: CAN I GET A FUCKING UHHHHHH BURGER

Prussia: SIR THIS IS A STARBUCKS WE DONT SELL BURGERS. WE CAN GET U A PANINI

Romano: DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK A PANINI IS

China: ??????????

Germany: Embarrassment.

Italy: Romano you’re funny!

France: Angleterre, what are they doing?

England: Don’t ask me.

America: DUDES I JUST HAD THE BEST IDEA

[China logged off.]

[Canada logged off.]

America: WHAT IF YOU DUDES STAY UP ALL NIGHT AND WE CAN PRETEND ITS LIKE A COOL SLEEPOVER

Prussia: GENIUS

Prussia: YES

Romano: IM GAME PXJHEBEGXU

Germany: I think I am going to sleep.

Romano: good

Italy: Germany nooo! You need to stay if I do!

Germany: Well then go to sleep. We can phone call tomorrow if you do.

Italy: Okayyyyyyy!

Prussia: ITALIA-CHAN NO U GOTTA STICK WITH US

Germany: Prussia, I am warning you.

Germany: Go to bed.

Prussia is typing...

[Prussia logged off.]

Romano: shit

[Romano logged off.]

Italy: Goodnight Germany!

Germany: Goodnight to you too.

[Italy logged off.]

[Germany logged off.]

France: Angleterre and I will be going to bed as well

England: Who said I was, you frog?!

[France logged off.]

[England logged off.]

America: russia i can see u u know

[Russia logged off.]

America: fuck

[America logged off.]

—

Russia sent image “goodmorning:-).jpg”

Russia: Good morning friends! Do you like my image :-)

America: WTF IS THAT

Japan: Oh my god.

China: AIYAH IT LOOKS DEAD

Germany is typing...

England is typing...

Germany +5 more are typing...

Italy: Oh noooooo!

Prussia: everyone disliked that

England: What is that?

Germany: Yes, I am wondering the same thing.

Russia: Is just Belarus. She tried to break into my house and Lithuania somehow helped her so she got to play with Magic Metal Pipe of Pain ^^/

Canada: There is never a dull moment with Russia around

Russia: Anyways good morning to everyone except Prussia and America! Im sorry Icouldnt be here last night I was asleep :-(

Romano: russia read the chat name youre the moron

Russia: Oh :-(

China: Do not worry Russia! I have some fried rice and some meal for you to eat in case you stop by later

Prussia: omw

Russia: Thanj you China!

China: :) you’re welcome

Canada: Oh my god its the clash of the boomers

China: What is a boomer I have been called that a lot recently

Russia: Haha me too

America: ok so nobody tell them

England: Are you serious? Even I know what a boomer is.

France: Me as well ;)

Italy: Germany are you a boomer?

Germany: No.

Prussia: guys germany is a boomer despite me being older

Russia sent image “:-).jpg”

10 people are typing...

China: Wait

China sent image “boomerdefinition.jpg”

China: Are you calling me old

China: You all are uninvited from my house

China: No message me

Prussia sent image “notalkmeiangy.jpg”

Prussia: china rn

America: fellas we gotta respect boomers

Japan: Don’t you all realize that we all are technically boomers? We’re all over 100 years old at least.

Romano: time to make a boomer flow chart. who is the most boomer

Germany: Oh my god.

Germany: We’re all immortal beings. Does it really matter how old we are

France: YES.

America: very much so

Romano: okay i gave up but all i know is china is over 3,000 years old and russia is like 1,157 years or something. boomer bastards

China: But I still look good

Russia: Yes me too you are just very not nice

England: You’d think the two practically oldest countries could at least work on perfecting their broken English.

England: Even the Frog over here knows better English than you two

Russia: :-(

Germany: And at least we know how to use our words like adults when we’re upset.

[America] changed the chat name to “bullying russia chat”

Prussia: i heard bullying russia

Italy: I think we’re all being a little too mean!

France: Perhaps... poor Russia has done nothing wrong to my knowledge 

[Russia logged off.]

China: I’m going to try to call him

China: And maybe download Duolingo for English practice since England said

[China logged off.]

Japan: It’s getting quite close to lunch, Pochi needs his food. I’ll be back later.

[Japan logged off.]

Italy: Don’t any of you feel like we were being too harsh on Russia just then?

America: no lmao

Prussia: no

Canada: Sorta

Romano: no

England: No.

Germany: No.

France: Yes.

France: Especially because his birthday is coming up later this month. December 30th.

Prussia: honestly besides china france is just group dad of the allies isnt he

France: I am. I’m illegally adopting you all

America: wait n

Canada: I think we should do something nice for Russia eh?

France: I think so as well!

Italy: Good idea! And even if the rest of them don’t want to we still can!

England: Hmph... I guess I can help if the frog is.

America: YOU SAID HMPH YOU FUCKING TSUNDERE

Germany: Then I’ll attempt to assist.

Prussia: im not helping

America: same

Romano: me neither lmfao

Canada: Maybe youll change your mind... 

France: Angleterre put down your phone for a second I need to talk to you

[France logged off.]

[England logged off.]

[Germany logged off.]

Italy: Wait for me, Doitsu!

[Italy logged off.]

America: wanna play minecraft canada

Canada: Sure

America: k ill join u

Canada: Okay

[America logged off.]

[Canada logged off.]

Prussia: yo romano call me after this i wanna play minecraft too hopefully germany doesnt yell at me this time

Romano: ok

[Prussia logged off.]

[Romano logged off.]


	2. Shit Happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this time on keeping up with the countries...
> 
> Prussia: THIS FAMILY IS FUCKING FALLING APART
> 
> Romano: legit why is so much happening we have russia literally handing out blunt force trauma to france and england and then germany and america about to start world war 3 and then theres just prussia
> 
> Prussia: im not doing anything
> 
> Romano: true.
> 
> stay tuned for more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> making some sort of chapterly set of plots for this is a hassle and yet i enjoy it so much, despite how much you can tell that i use ideas that popped into my head first thing

England: America gave me admin so I took the liberty of blacklisting some words. 

Romano: **** THAT PRUSSIA BLEW MY ******* HOUSE UP IN ******* MINECRAFT HOLY ****

Prussia: SHUT THE **** UP I DIDNT DO IT ON PURPOSE 

Prussia: @Germany HELP

Germany: No.

Prussia: **** off then

Prussia: wait

Prussia: ENGLAND PUT IT BACK

Russia: Wait

Russia: **** **** ***** **** *** * ******* *** ******* **** ** * **** *** ***** ******** ** ****

America: he swears????

Russia: * *****

America: also i didnt give you admin privileges so you could limit our speech dude we arent babies

England: You act like it.

Russia: ** ***** **** ***

America: this is why i started the revolutionary war old man. your admin is gone lmfao

[England logged off.]

Russia: ****

America: WAIT ENGLAND FUCKING BLCOKED RUSSIA FROM SPEAKING AHAHAH

Romano: finally ill resend my message

Romano: PRUSSIA BLEW UP MY FUCKING HOUSE IN FUCKING MINECRAFT

Prussia: NOT ON PURPOSE YOU FUCKING IDIOT IT WAS A CREEPER SO I PUNCHED IT AWAY AND IT BLEW THE FUCK UP

Prussia: @Germany SERIOUSLY HELPPOOOPOSLSLOSPSPPPPP

Germany: Why are you here at all hours.

Prussia: im a dead country what do you want me to fucking do all day

Germany: Be productive.

Prussia: you’re so mean 

Germany: Grow up.

America: things r heating up in the beilschmidt household

Russia: Wait can I talk again

Russia: I can!

China: Congratulations! *hug*

Russia: Aw *hug*

Romano: oh no the boomers are roleplaying nothing good can come from this

Italy: Hi Germany I see you online!

Germany: Hello Italy.

Prussia: anyways is nobody paying attention to how much HARASSMENT i endure in this chat because of WEST OVER HErE

Germany: I do not harass you.

Japan: Hello. How do I turn my notifications for this chat off?

Prussia: you dont

[America logged off.]

Romano: yeah its like impossible

Italy: Hi Japan! There’s a little thing in the corner that lets you mute the chat, Germany had to help show me how to do it when he came over the other day!

Japan: Thank you. I have a meeting with my boss today and even with my phone on vibrate, you can still hear the noise.

Romano: LIKE A VIBRATOR

Prussia: LIKE A VIBRATOR

[Germany logged off.]

Romano: LMFAO

Prussia: YOUR BOSS WAS GONNA THINK IT WAS A VIBRATOR IM SAHAHAHAHAH

Russia: Why is everyone so mean to each other here

France: HELP ME ENGLAND IS GOING ON A. RAMPAGE

China: What? Is everything alright?

France: He is angrily knocking on my door I KNSOW ITS HIM

France: @England GO AWAY I KNOW YOU WANT YOUR ADMIN BYT N

France: ANGLETERRE @England

England: SHHHHHHHHHHHH

France: YOURE LITERALLY TRYING TO BREAK INTO MY HOME STOP TELLING ME T BE QUIET

England: YOU INVITED ME OVER. YOU INVITED ME OVER

France: NKKNNNNNNNOOOO I DIDNT??????? WHAT

England: YOU INVITED ME OVER YOU DID D

China: I don’t know what’s happening

Prussia: chaos

Romano: chaos

Japan: Is everything okay? I need to go soon, but I just wanted to make sure...

Italy: Yeah...

Russia: Actually I’m on my way

France: WAIT WHAT AR EYOU DOING I DIDNT TELL YOU TO COME OVER

Russia: I’m taking care of England for you! If only I could find Magic Metal Pipe of Pain... \^^/

England: WAIT STAY AWTA FROM ME YOU BLOODY MASOCHIST 

France: I HAVE TWO DERANGED LUNATICS AT MY DOOR CAN SOMEONE HELP PLEWSASE

Japan: Oh dear...

[Japan logged off.]

Prussia: LMFAO HE FUCKING LEFT REST IN PEACE FRANCE

Romano: japn literally said fuck france rights. i felt that 

Prussia: when he said “oh dear... *logs off*” i felt that

China: He had a meeting remember

France: OH MY GOD I HEARRD IT

France: @England ARE YOU ALIVE OUT THERE ANGLETERRE

England: Hello! It is I, Russia :-)

France: WHWHAGAGGAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

[France logged off.]

Prussia: i think hes having a stroke

Romano: or a seizure

Italy: I think Russia might have killed England!

Romano: I think Russia might have killed England! no shut up we dont die

Prussia: explain me then

Romano: you’re technically still alive dumbass

Prussia: ok boomer

Romano: YOU DID NOT

Romano: SHUT THE FUCK UP ZOOMER

China: Can you two stop fighting I think France is seriously in danger

Italy: Yeah!

Prussia: but its france hes literally king of over exaggerating 

China: True

Romano: what if we @ everyone so they can deal with this instead

England: Please don’t 

Prussia: shut the fuck up russia im doing it

Prussia: @Germany @France @America @Japan @Canada @Russia @England @China @Italy @Romano 

Romano: youve literally got such a death wish i’ll plan your funeral

America: wtf do u want

Canada: Busy sorry

Japan: I’m in a meeting.

[Japan logged off.]

Germany: Getting a phone was my first mistake.

Germany: I’m muting @ mentions because it is always Prussia either complaining to me or Prussia disturbing everyone.

Italy: I’m right here silly!

China: I’m right here

Canada: Wait not busy anymore whatever happening with France, England and Russia is more interesting

America: lmao same i was playing fortnite but im willing to lose the match to see this unfold

Germany: Why do none of you have lives... shouldn’t you all be dealing with political matters in your country or /something/ valuable?

America: no lmfao. thats not my responsibility 

Germany: It is, but it won’t be my responsibility either when your country falls to shambles and you need to crawl back to all your allies to protect you so we don’t hand your ass to you.

America: wow ok boomer

Germany: Stop talking. You understand how much of a threat Japan and I pose, don’t you?

America: i have england and france on my side and sometimes russia and china but that really depends on the day. ill whoop your ass dude just watch

Prussia: THIS FAMILY IS FUCKING FALLING APART

Romano: legit why is so much happening we have russia literally handing out blunt force trauma to france and england and then germany and america about to start world war 3 and then theres just prussia

Prussia: im not doing anything

Romano: true. wanna play minecraft again

Prussia: no i wanna see what happens here

Germany: It’s because America is a literal child and should not have the responsibility to handle a group chat.

America: ok you know what

[America] made [Germany] an administrator.

[America logged off.]

Germany: Wow.

[Germany] kicked [Prussia] out of the group chat.

Romano: OH MY GOD

Romano: @America ADD PRUSSIA BACK PLEASE PLEASE

England: I wonder did America still leave England as an admin

Germany: Aren’t you England?

England: No

England: Wait haha he did

[England] named the chat “RUSSIA’S WORLD”

England: Now you have no choice but to become one with me. With this new form I will get anything I want and more

Romano: im sorry but im reading that in englands voice and it’s hilarious

England: Be quiet

England: Your relevancy is limited for now

Canada: Wow he really went hard

Italy: This is so strange!

China: Yeah!

England: And then eventually the whole world will be named Russia. It will be a

England: VIBE CHECK YOU BLOODY FOOL!

Italy: England!

England: That moron left his pipe just lying around while he typed away on my phone... which, his is also sitting right here.

England: The frog is here too.

France: Oui!

Romano: im convinced this was a fever dream

China: Me too... I am going to log off now

Canada: Same

[Canada logged off.]

[China logged off.]

Italy: Germany! You promised me a phone call yesterday!

Germany: We can do that now.

Romano: is nobody going to add prussia back

Germany: No.

England: Why would anyone want to?

Romano: oh i guess america will do it when he gets back

France: All’s well that ends well I see! Besides the fact that there’s a large Russian man passed out on my floor

England: We’ll deal with that later.

[England logged off.]

[France logged off.]

[Italy logged off.]

[Germany logged off.]

Romano: f for prussia

[Romano logged off.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> congratulations once more. thanks for the kudos though this time


	3. Germany Fucking Dies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> on today’s episode of keeping up with the countries...
> 
> communist: Don’t hate it! Smile :-)
> 
> Secretly a trap: :)
> 
> Asta La Pasta!: :)
> 
> Maple God: :)
> 
> healthcare gone: :)
> 
> pussydestroyer69: :)
> 
> England: Sometimes I feel like this chat was made for the sole purpose of tormenting me.
> 
> stay tuned for more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was eventually going to hold off on this chapter until tomorrow because of how many updates i’ve been unloading recently, but i’ve realized that i had been sleeping on some characters and let them have the chat to themselves while characters who talk alot (cough cough prussia cough cough romano) got pushed to the side a bit. enjoy!

America: hurhhahahahhaah

[America] named [Russia] “communist”

communist: What did I do to deserve this name

America: exist

communist: Oh :-(

America: anyways everyone gtfu i got you some new toys to play with

America: u can now change yourself and others names

[Japan] changed his name to “Pochi Overlord”

Pochi Overlord: Haha.

America: that was so cryptic japan. i felt that

Pochi Overlord: Thank you.

[Germany] added [Prussia] to the group chat.

Germany: He wouldn’t stop spamming me.

[Prussia] named [Germany] “when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T”

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: Is this really what I deserve?

[Prussia] changed his name to “pussydestroyer69”

pussydestroyer69: yes

China sent image “hehshshehujdhjdjekj.jpg”

America: god fucking mood

Pochi Overlord: And here you see the Russia in its natural habitat.

pussydestroyer69: honestly when people take pictures of other people just minding their own business just sitting there not even aware the picture is being taken, thats hilarious

communist: I’m glad I provide you entertainment

pussydestroyer69: that was so aggressive

communist: Yes

America: prussia can you tell me the influence behind germany’s name

pussydestroyer69: he was sick once so i took this bag of vitamin c drops, said loudly “VITAMIN C SUPPLEMENT DROPS ASSORTED CITRUS” and threw it at his head

pussydestroyer69: and now its just an inside joke between us

Pochi Overlord: @China This could be us but you’re playing.

China: Literally stop talking to me

[China] named himself “Secretly a trap”

Secretly a trap: Japan you betrayed me and now you really think that you’re something trying to make jokes about our relationship 

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: It seems something quite serious is going on between those two.

communist: The sky is blue

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: Excuse me?

communist: You heard me

America: jesus christ every day we stray further from positive relationships

[Canada] named himself “Maple God”

Maple God: I think I came at the wrong time I’m sorry

America: no no you can stay! we need something to distract us from the tension here

America: what if you come up with a cool nickname for me? im in need of something here and im at a loss dude

Maple God: I’ll think of something

[Italy] named himself “Asta La Pasta!”

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: Somebody’s been watching the dub.

Asta La Pasta!: It’s funny!

[Maple God] named [America] “healthcare gone”

healthcare gone: i love this thank you canada

communist: Its a political jab at your country

healthcare gone: i can find things making fun of me funny unlike you

communist is typing...

communist stopped typing.

communist is typing...

England: Welcome back to Day 4 of being surrounded constantly by 10 idiots who make my life more miserable and whom I imagine in great detail deaths about on the regular. God I hate it in here.

when ur brother give you the S U P P L E M E N T: Me too.

communist: Don’t hate it! Smile :-)

Secretly a trap: :)

Asta La Pasta!: :)

Maple God: :)

healthcare gone: :)

pussydestroyer69: :)

England: Sometimes I feel like this chat was made for the sole purpose of tormenting me.

communist: Maybe it was maybe it wasn’t but only time will tell

England: This is all too similar to a cult. I’m doing one thing then leaving.

[England] changed his name to “Oh Tea?”

[Oh Tea? logged off.]

Pochi Overlord sent image “pochi.jpg”

Maple God: All Japan really does in this chat is send pictures of Pochi and I strive to be like that

Pochi Overlord: Thank you.

Maple God sent image “mrkumajiro.jpg”

Maple God: Isn’t he so cute

Pochi Overlord: He is!

Maple God: Thank you

Secretly a trap sent image “panda.jpg”

Secretly a trap: Baby.... Look at him........

Asta La Pasta! sent image “pasta.jpg”

Asta La Pasta!: I made pasta if anyone wants some! I can try to bring it to the next world meeting too.

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: That’s over a month away, I don’t think it will last that long.

Asta La Pasta!: Don’t underestimate the powers of Pasta. 

healthcare gone: honestly that was the least expected thing i thought italy would type but i cant say im not disappointed

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: I choked. Italy what happened.

Asta La Pasta!: Did you choke on my dick?

healthcare gone: OH MY GOD AHAHAHAHAHA 

[when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T logged off.]

Secretly a trap: Who taught you that Italy

Maple God: .

Pochi Overlord: Oh my word.

pussydestroyer69: I RAISED YOU WELL ITALY GOOD JOB

pussydestroyer69: okay now that hes gone. italy and germany are like???? technically together???????? like they call every day and stuff IM THERE I HEAR IT and they obviously had something going on so i told italy to say that to like. Get The Ball Rolling you know

communist: You’re actually a genius

pussydestroyer69: god i know

Pochi Overlord: That’s smart and all but I’m convinced you sent Germany into cardiac arrest.

Asta La Pasta!: Oh you didn’t know? Haha, we’re already together silly goose!

Secretly a trap: God I want your relationship dynamic

Secretly a trap: @communist This could be us but you’re playing

[healthcare gone logged off.]

Secretly a trap: See Japan thats how you do it

Pochi Overlord: I see.

pussydestroyer69: oh woe is me my plan technically worked but its too late and romano is busy all day........ im leaving its depression nap time

pussydestroyer69: if im not back in 6 hours germany lowered me into my grave once and for all

[pussydestroyer69 logged off.]

Asta La Pasta!: Anyways what’s everyone up to?

Maple God: I’m playing chess with Mr. Kumajiro

Secretly a trap: Animals can play chess?

Maple God: They can’t?

Secretly a trap: I stand corrected

Pochi Overlord: The energies of everyone in this chat right now are so dominating despite the people they belong to. I kind of live for this.

communist: I’m in China’s trash can

Secretly a trap: YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO THE BATHROOM

communist: I did but I went in there afterwards

Secretly a trap: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE GET OUT PLEASE COME BACK IN HERE

communist: Of course!

communist sent image “imtrash.jpg”

Asta La Pasta!: OKAY I LOVE THAT SO MUCH.

Maple God: You be trash you funky little communist you

Pochi Overlord: ^^^^^^

Secretly a trap: WE WERENT FINISHED HUGGING AND NOW YOURE GOING TO STINK LIKE TRASH

Secretly a trap: IM SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU RIGHT NOW

communist: Oh I’m sorry :-(

Secretly a trap: No I didn’t mean it you’re okay baby

Maple God: This chat is seriously being overrun by relationships and I can’t tell if I love it or hate it

Pochi Overlord: Just combine the words and that’s how you’re feeling.

Asta La Pasta!: Guys I’m.... Smove.......

Pochi Overlord: Smove?

Secretly a trap: What’s a smove?

Asta La Pasta!: Germany told me to never say the d word again and I’m sad because the d word is a funny word. But I also love Germany. So I’m Smove :(

Maple God: Okay you absolute baby. I love you but no homo

Secretly a trap: Can we all agree all 4 of us are the better members of the chat

Pochi Overlord: But there’s five of us?

Secretly a trap: I left out you

Pochi Overlord: I see.

Asta La Pasta!: What’s everyone feeling right now? Combine two words like me!

Secretly a trap: Cudve. Cuddly and love!

Maple God: Hapad. Happy mad because Kumajiro is beating me at chess and he’s not even human

Pochi Overlord: Sauthing. Sad and nothing, just because.

Asta La Pasta!: Oh I’m sorry Canada and Japan :(

Asta La Pasta!: We all need to talk more! It’s nicer here with the more calmer ones.

Secretly a trap sent image “hesleep.jpg”

Maple God: Oh my god I didn’t know Russia had the capability to actually sleep

Asta La Pasta!: China has a secret gift! Russia looks so relaxed!

Secretly a trap: Well he does! I’m gonna go now so I don’t wake him up

Secretly a trap: Bye

[Secretly a trap logged off.]

Asta La Pasta!: I’m gonna go talk with Germany now!

Maple God: Bye!

[Asta La Pasta! logged off.]

Pochi Overlord: It’s Pochi’s cuddle time... but when is it not? I’ll talk to you later, Canada.

Maple God: Okay, bye!

[Maple God logged off.]

[Pochi Overlord logged off.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why is this my most popular fanfiction thus far  
> nickname legend:  
> communist - russia  
> pochi overlord - japan  
> when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T - germany  
> pussydestroyer69 - prussia  
> secretly a trap - china  
> oh tea? - england  
> maple god - canada  
> asta la pasta! - italy  
> healthcare gone - america


	4. Italy Goes Rabid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> France and Romano return. Italy snaps. Russia pulls more creepy stunts. Stay tuned for more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m sorry this chapter is so dry and probably shorter compared to the others, i had no ideas for today

healthcare gone: hello furry fandom what are we doing today

Secretly a trap: Furry fandom?!?!?!

[Romano] named himself “toma toes”

toma toes: guys who would be more likely to be a furry. france or italy

France: EXCUSE ME

France: EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY I ENTER THIS CHAT I FEAR IT WILL BE MY LAST

[toma toes] named [France] “horny furry”

horny furry: @Oh Tea? HELP

Oh Tea?: Do you know how terrifying it is getting a notification from someone named horny furry?

pussydestroyer69: but the real question is why does england know what a furry is

Oh Tea?: NOW YOU’RE PUTTING WORDS IN MH MOUTH. I NEVER SAID THAT.

Pochi Overlord: One calm day. One calm day is all I ask for.

Maple God: Honestly same but its not something I expect soon

Secretly a trap: I’ve lost hope for a normal day

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: Me as well.

communist: Same

horny furry: Who even is anyone I miss out on one day and colossal change happens

healthcare gone: america

communist: Russia

Secretly a trap: China

Pochi Overlord: Japan.

Maple God: Canada

pussydestroyer69: prussia

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: Germany.

Oh Tea?: England, but you probably already knew that.

horny furry: I did

Asta La Pasta!: And me! Italy!

toma toes: NOW THAT EVERYONE’S HERE

toma toes: who is most likely to be a furry. voting is necessary

Oh Tea?: Russia.

toma toes: I LIKE HOW YOU DIDNT EVEN HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT

pussydestroyer69: russia

healthcare gone: russia

pussydestroyer69: everyone else is staying silent because they all either like russia or don’t want to reveal the real furry

horny furry: THE REAL FURRY

horny furry: I’M GENUINELY HAVING A STROKE I THINK

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: Actually I was going to vote for Italy, even though he’s not. He seems like he would be.

Asta La Pasta!: OH MY GOSH! GERMANY! THAT IS SO MEAN! YOU BETRAYED ME!

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: Sorry.

communist: I was going to vote Italy

Maple God: Same

Secretly a trap: Me too but he’s my friend and I didn’t want to be rude

Pochi Overlord: Same.

horny furry: Same

toma toes: okay its unanimous italy is the furry

Asta La Pasta!: I said uwu once.

Asta La Pasta!: I texted Germany uwu once.

Asta La Pasta!: AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET

Asta La Pasta!: IM GOING TO DHEHUSIDKWJXBUSISJFJWKXJJWKWJKKKJJDJKJJJJJNUIEK

[Asta La Pasta! logged off.]

pussydestroyer69: he really asta la pastaed

communist: The fact that Italy absolutely snapped like that is mind boggling

toma toes: why is that

horny furry: Because he’s never done that before

Maple God: And he absolutely snapped in front of everybody

Asta La Pasta!: IM BACK

Asta La Pasta!: YOU FRICKING FRICKS JUST CANT EVER BE QUENCHED CAN YOU. YOUR FANTASIES CAN NEVER BE QUENCHED CAN THEY. WHEN WILL YOU LEARN? WHEN WILL YOU LEARN THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES???????

Pochi Overlord: I’m honestly so terrified.

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: Me as well.

Oh Tea?: Honestly, I think everyone is at this point.

toma toes: italy throwing a temper tantrum isn’t proving your point that you aren’t a furry

Asta La Pasta!: AND YOU SHUt UP

pussydestroyer69: germany arent you like dating him. do something

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: I’m trying. 

Asta La Pasta!: I HATE ALL OF YOU SO MUCH. I’VE ENDURED SO MUCH FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS AND THIS IS THE LAST STRAW. Besides Germany I love you Germany.

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: I know, and I do too, but for the love of god can you PLEASE take a step back and calm down?

Asta La Pasta!: Okay!

[Asta La Pasta! logged off.]

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: Well that was easy.

healthcare gone: im scarred from that

horny furry: This name brings back too many horrible memories I’m switching back.

Oh Tea?: Can I give you a funny name?

horny furry: Sure

[Oh Tea?] named [horny furry] “Francey Pants”

Francey Pants: That’s actually really cute, thank you mon cher

Secretly a trap: Is

Secretly a trap: Is nobody going to acknowledge how Germany only had to ask nicely for Italy to calm down and he did

Secretly a trap: I think that’s pretty strange

Pochi Overlord: Actually, yeah. Me too.

Maple God: If this was a conversation happening in real life everybody would’ve just simultaneously looked at Germany just now

communist: Who’s saying I didn’t 

toma toes: woah okay creepy

healthcare gone: OK RUSSIA VERY COOL VERY COOL

communist: Look outside your window Germany

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: No thank you.

Secretly a trap: I swear to god every time I am not with Russia he’s doing something strange

Secretly a trap: Wait nevermind he does that even when I’m with him

Pochi Overlord: Like when he went in your trash can last night?

Secretly a trap: Exactly!

communist: Germany pleeeeeease look

healthcare gone: WAIT HE DID WHAT

pussydestroyer69: EXACTLY HE DID WHAT?

toma toes: why did i miss out on all the interesting things

Oh Tea?: Same.

Francey Pants: Yeah me too.....

Maple God forwarded image “imtrash.jpg”

Francey Pants: OH MY GOD

Oh Tea?: AHAHAHAH I CANT BELIEVE HE WOULD GET ANY CREEPIER THAN THAT.

[toma toes logged off.]

[pussydestroyer69 logged off.]

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: Geh weg von mir.

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: Schleich.

communist: Нет, спасибо

communist: Дурак

Oh Tea?: I don’t speak ancient egyptian hyrogliphics.

Secretly a trap: 你还好吗

healthcare gone: i think they’re taunting us

Maple God: Or the translator just broke or something

Pochi Overlord: 我々はそうではありません。

Pochi Overlord: ちょうど壊れた。

Francey Pants: Parlez anglais s'il vous plaît

communist: Когда они уйдут, я буду говорить по-английски

Pochi Overlord: I can only read a bit of Russian, I’m sorry.

communist: Darn

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: Russia, I’m seriously about to close your fingers in the window and push you out, fingers still stuck in there.

communist: I’ll leave

[communist logged off.]

Secretly a trap: It’s quite late here, So I’m going to call Russia and then go to sleep

Pochi Overlord: Same here. Goodnight everyone.

[Pochi Overlord logged off.]

[Secretly a trap logged off.]

when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T: I’m going to go read, goodbye.

[when ur brother gives you the S U P P L E M E N T logged off.]

Maple God: I’m heading out too

[Maple God logged off.]

Francey Pants: Me as well.

[Francey Pants logges off.]

healthcare gone: well its just me n u pardner

[Oh Tea? logged off.]

healthcare gone: damn it

[healthcare gone logged off.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for 10+ kudos  
> nickname legend:  
> pussydestroyer69 - prussia  
> toma toes - romano  
> asta la pasta! - italy  
> horny furry, francey pants - france  
> oh tea? - england  
> healthcare gone - america  
> maple god - canada  
> pochi overlord - japan  
> when ur brother gives you the s u p p l e m e n t - germany  
> communist - russia  
> secretly a trap - china


	5. you thought i was dead huh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time on “Hetalia Except It’s A Groupchat”...  
> Prussia dies again, and the other nations find out about the group chat.  
> Stay tuned for more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m finally on winter break so updates should be more frequent- sorry for the hiatus. i had finals and also lost motivation, so hopefully you continue to enjoy my story :)

pussydestroyer69: guys help theres a. fvuhbtb bottoecap on mybtomgue its stuck

Maple God: WAIT NWHAT

Oh Tea?: This chat has been silent for weeks. I was hoping it’d stay that way...

healthcare gone: shut up boomer prussias got a bottle cap stuck to his tongue thats more cooler

Oh Tea?: It’d just be cooler...

Pochi Overlord: Can’t you just... move it? Your tongue acts like a suction. Pop your tongue.

pussydestroyer69: HEOW

Maple God: Meow Heow

Pochi Overlord: Make a dip in your tongue.

pussydestroyer69: HOW DO INDO THAT

Pochi Overlord: Hold, please.

Pochi Overlord sent video “howtopopyourtongue.mov”

healthcare gone: woahh japan sent a tongue video

healthcare gone: sorry japan but im saving that

Pochi Overlord: Be my guest.

Francey Pants: That’s what good pussy sounds like

Oh Tea?: Oh, shut it.

[Asta La Pasta! logged off.]

Maple God: WAIT WHERE DID HE COME FROM

Maple God: ITALY YOU ABSOLUTE BABY HE WAS QUOTING A VINE @Asta La Pasta!

pussydestroyer69: i got it off thanks japan your porno really helped

Asta La Pasta!: Oh, LOL!

healthcare gone: oh my god

healthcare gone: italy leave this chat right fucking now you aren’t welcome anymore

Pochi Overlord: You’re welcome, Prussia.

pussydestroyer69: oh fuck oh fuck i forgot germany was in this chat let us all praise jesus remember he is our LORD our SAVIOR

Oh Tea?: You’re doomed.

Francey Pants: I have the perfect idea

Francey Pants: @Doitsu!

pussydestroyer69: oh my GOD WHY DID YOU DO THAT. YOU LITTLE BITCH YOU LITTTTTTTTLE BITCH

Oh Tea?: Please murder France so I don’t do it myself.

Maple God: Maple...

Doitsu!: Hello?

Doitsu!: Prussia, what did you do.

Doitsu!: “thanks japan your porno really helped” That is unnecessary. You scammed him into sending that video.

Pochi Overlord: ?

communist: ??

Secretly a trap: ???

toma toes: ????

Oh Tea?: I think my username says enough.

healthcare gone: uh oh germany summoned the council that will decide our fate

communist: Death sentence for you! ^J^

healthcare gone: thanks russia very cool

toma toes: ok but seriously what happened

pussydestroyer69: HAHAHAHA WEST GOOD LUCK GETTING INTO MY ROOM. I LOCKED THE DOOR BITCH

Secretly a trap: I believe we’re watching Prussia’s execution live

Francey Pants: I’m putting this on my twitter

Doitsu!: I’ll wait as long as necessary.

pussydestroyer69: im never leaving my room again but it was so goddamn worth it

Francey Pants: My 5K followers will love this

Oh Tea?: Stop fucking flexing.

toma toes: WAISIISISI ENGLAND SWORE HE DOD HE DID

Asta La Pasta!: Everyone stop fighting! We all need to stop being mean and be friends!

pussydestroyer69: crawling out of my window rn to kiss italu on th cheek

Doitsu!: Noted.

pussydestroyer69: FUCK

Oh Tea?: France, you are literally the worst person I have ever met.

Pochi Overlord took a screenshot.

communist took a screenshot.

Secretly a trap: England snapped

Maple God: I hate this chat so much...

healthcare gone: every time i get a notification from here i feel the fear of god in my heart

toma toes: honestly same

Francey Pants: Oh, Angleterre, tell me more

Oh Tea?: This isn’t sexting.

Francey Pants: Honestly it’s better

toma toes: ok france is my idol officially

toma toes: friendship ended with prussia france is my new idol

Asta La Pasta!: LOLLLLLLLLL!

healthcare gone: stop...... stop it........ 

pussydestroyer69: HEY

pussydestroyer69: ok but i want pancakes but the second i leave this room im going to die i will die

Pochi Overlord: I believe in you.

Doitsu!: I’m still waiting.

Pochi Overlord: Nevermind you’re doomed.

communist: I can’t relate! I’m on vacation in Iceland none of you can stop me now

healthcare gone: welcome back russia we were so lonely in the 2 minutes you were gone

communist: You’re next, America ^J^

healthcare gone: oh no he’s gonna vacation me to death

healthcare: dude im the most visited country in the entire world im used to it

Francey Pants: ACTUALLY

Francey Pants: That’s wrong, I’m the most visited with Spain in 2nd place and you in 3rd

Secretly a trap: And I’m 4th

toma toes: b

Asta La Pasta!: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

communist: Now I know my ABC’s next time won’t you sing with me

Maple God: *AGGRESSIVE CLAPPING*

toma toes: people really just say whatever the fuck they want in here right

Secretly a trap: Yep

Asta La Pasta!: Can I add someone very special to the chat?

healthcare gone: hey wait but arent all the main characters already in this chat? shit if i forgot someone the author wouldve added them in a more suitable way

Secretly a trap: It’s Italy asking, whoever it is can’t be that bad

healthcare gone: shit u right. go ham dude

[Asta La Pasta!] added [Poland] to chat “RUSSIA’S WORLD”

Poland: HAHA HELLO FUCKERS I FOOLED YOU AHAHAHAHA IDIOTS

healthcare gone: YOU MOST CERTAINLY ARE NOT A MAIN CHARACTER. GTFO

[healthcare gone] removed [Poland] from chat “RUSSIA’S WORLD”

Francey Pants: Almost everyone has been messaging my Twitter asking if they can be added to the chat

Francey Pants: Poland probably got smart and asked Italy because he knew he wouldn’t say no, oui?

Oh Tea?: I hate to admit it but you’re probably right.

toma toes: i feel like this chat is now a shelter during the apocalypse and now that everyone knows of its existence NOBODY WILL STOP ASKING TO GET FUCKING IN

toma toes: LITERALLY JUST GOT A DM FROM FINLAND OF ALL PEOPLE ASKING IF HE AND THE OTHER NORDICS COULD GET IN. PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE WHEN HAVE WE EVER SPOKEN

Secretly a trap: Even I got one

Secretly a trap: Mine was from Lithuania saying that if Poland got added he could be added too

Pochi Overlord: Have you realized what you’ve done?

Pochi Overlord: At the next World Meeting they will literally rip each other to shreds trying to get in. We will start another World War.

Maple God: I feel very special

healthcare gone: that epic gamer moment when a group chat starts a world war

communist: I think it’s high time we leave this chat to die for a while, da?

healthcare gone: yous right

healthcare gone: ok bye everyone we will talk eventually

Secretly a trap: I get sad when you put it like that, like we’ll never come talk again! Lol! We need to talk very soon

Asta La Pasta!: I agree! I’ll be here tomorrow.

toma toes: prussia wont. he hasn’t talked in like 15 minutes im assuming the bastards dead

toma toes: death by germany

Maple God: Talk to you all later lol

[Everyone logged off.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would put a nickname legend but nobody’s names have really changed... besides germany’s, but i think it’s obvious who he is

**Author's Note:**

> congratulations you made it


End file.
